Today is the first day of the rest of my life–as a non-smoker. Last week, I was puttering around in the WordPress forums and came across the thread, “Who wants to quit smoking with me.” I hovered my mouse arrow over the title, contemplating the question. Do I want to quit? Yes. Do I need to quit? Yes. Am I ready to quit? Yes. Can I commit to quit? Um…yeah, maybe, no, yes. I clicked it.
It was mideavalmaiden, a blogging friend, and she was being reasonable. We can commit to “cut back in the near future.” It didn’t sound so bad. It was more of a plan to plan to quit smoking. I agreed.
The thread took on a life of its own, with dribbling pensioner, agringa, harrythehandyman, laavventura, and marcialoyd making the commitment. Suddenly there was a contract and a badge to display on our blogs, declaring to the WORLD we were quitting the infernal cancer sticks, fags, cigs, smokes, or whatever other name there is for that blissful, stress-reducing, perfect-with-a-cup-of-coffee-or-a-long-drive-or-after-a-meal item, otherwise known as the cigarette. And the near future was Monday, exactly one week away. I had a mild panic attack.
Of course I had to go through with it. I’d look like an idiot, otherwise. Or a wimp. I can’t have that. So now it’s Sunday night and I’m starting to rethink the whole idea. So what if I’m a wimp? Sticks and stones and all of that. So what if I can’t laugh, talk, or vacuum without hacking up a lung? I just won’t do those things.
So what i f I can’t sing along with the radio without my voice cracking? I can’t sing worth a crap anyway so it’s better if I don’t do it at all. So what if I end up talking through a tube in my esophagus? That’s a wicked awesome way to freak out the kiddies. So what if I die by drowning in my own lungs? I can’t think of a rationalization for that one. Death by drowning would freakin’ suck in any form.
Of course I’m going to do it. It’s a disgusting habit that makes my breath and clothes stink and my body ill. It’s expensive. It’s unattractive. And it gives me wrinkles. It will be difficult but I know that, with a little help from my friends, I can do it.
To give you an idea how wonderful this support group is, take a look at this contract written up by the always funny and wise Harry the Handyman:
Stop smoking self help group.
A contract between member’s of wordpress.
As from Monday the 9th of May 2011 at 11.00 am, we all intend to try and stop smoking.
We will report daily to all member’s on the progress we have made and how we feel.
We will also report if we had to call the police because we nearly killed some-one.
If any other member would like to join the group you will be welcome, please send each member a £20 joining fee. ($32.98)
If we all fail to stop smoking, we will all meet and kill midaevalmaiden for starting us on this path of torture.
Any member who fail’s to stop smoking will impose a 2 week blog ban on themselves.
Good luck to all, see you in the clinic for nervous tension therapy.
“Oscar Wilde: ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’
Sarah Bernhardt: ‘I don’t care if you burn’”